The Draco Horror Picture Show
by Snowdazed
Summary: A spin-off of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show', casting Draco as Rocky, Harry as Dr. Frank N. Furter, and Ron as Brad and Seamus as Janet


The Draco Horror Picture Show-Chapter 1

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Summary: A spin-off of 'The Rocky Horror Picture Show' using the characters from Harry Potter.

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Author's Notes: This was a bet that I fully intend on carrying out to the end. If you haven't seen The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I suggest you don't read this since you wont really understand it. I kept the first song almost virtually the same, except for two lines in it. The Dammit Janet! Song obviously had to be changed, and I'm glad I changed Hermione to Seamus, since nothing rhymes with Hermione that many times. I hope you enjoy it, because I certainly didn't enjoy re-writing that song to fit the new names XD.

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Disclaimer: I do not own The Rocky Horror Picture Show, or Harry Potter. Those belongs to their respective authors, directors, actors etc. and J.K. Rowling. The script for the Rocky Horror Picture Show can be found at http://www.godamongdirectors.com/scripts/rhps.shtml

A pair of red lips against a black background slowly grow larger, until they take up the center of the screen. Music can be heard, and the lips start singing, showing off a set of slightly stained teeth. The voice is a woman's, and the words ring out clearly.

Michael Rennie was ill. 

The day the earth stood still

But he told us where we stand 

And Flash Gordon was there 

In silver underwear. 

Claude Rains was the invisible man. 

Then something went wrong 

For Fay Wray and King Kong 

They got caught in a celluloid jam 

Then at a deadly pace 

It came from outer space 

And this is how the message ran 

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Words appear beside the lips. *Starring Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Ron Weasley, Seamus Finnigan, Hermione Granger, Severus Snape, Argus Filch, Albus Dumbledore,*

Science Fiction - double-feature 

Dr X will build a creature 

See Androids fighting Ron and Seamus

Who probably come from the planet Uranus.

Oh - at the late night, double-feature Picture Show. 

I knew Leo G. Carrol 

Was over a barrel 

When tarantula took to the hills 

And I really got hot 

When I saw Jeanette Scott 

Fight a Triffid that spits poison and kills 

Dana Andrews said prunes 

Gave him the runes 

And passing them used lots of skills. 

And when worlds collide 

Said George Pal to his bride 

I'm going to give you some terrible trills Like a - 

Science Fiction - double-feature

Dr X will build a creature

See Androids fighting Ron and Seamus

Who probably come from the planet Uranus.

Oh - at the late-night, double-feature 

Picture Show By RKO O- 

Oh At the late-night, double-feature 

Picture Show 

In the back row 

At the late-night, double-feature 

Picture Show

I want to go. 

The lips fade away, and a church can be seen in a small town. A large billboard has the words "Welcome to the town of Denton' on it, yet the words are hard to read from the weathered condition of the board. The music is still playing, and the final words to the song are heard.

To the late night double feature

Picture Show. 

Bells rang out in the clear afternoon air announcing the end of the wedding that was taking place inside the church. As the bells tolled merrily through the town, the doors of the church opened and Neville and his new wife, Lavendar, walked out, followed closely behind by their friends and well-wishers. Confetti and voices of joy called out loudly through the air as the young married couple beamed with pride. Their youthful innocence was clear to all around, and everyone hoped that the marriage would last. Soon the couple parted and began talking in their post-wedding groups, chatting amiably with all who would listen. Shady deals were going down with Neville and the Minister (Harry Potter) as Neville slipped him a few galleons. Colin Creevey danced around with his camera, flashing the lens at anyone and everyone. It had been a surprise, and an honor, when Colin had received the letter in the mail to be Neville's photographer at his wedding, and Colin was more then willing to do the job. Parvarti and her twin were rounding up the women of the bride and groom sides, while the men were congregating around the gardens of the church, glasses of wine and champagne in hand.

While both Neville and Lavendar were wizards, they found the traditions of the muggles sweet and irresistible for their wedding, and had found a nice, sheltered town to get married in.

The deal closing between the Minister and Neville, Harry Potter laughed heartily and tilted his hat towards the young boy. He patted his pocket, where the sound of money jangled, and swept off in the direction of the road. Neville watched him go, a smile on his face as the man apparated out of sight. A hand on Neville's shoulder caused the man to jump, and he spun around in surprise. His shocked expression was soon changed to one of relief as he saw one of the remaining friends he had kept from after Hogwarts, Ronald Weasley. The red-head in question was looking fondly over towards a group of girls huddled around the bride, a faint look in his eyes. Neville grasped his hand and shook it heartily as the two began to talk.

"Well Ron, I guess we made it, huh!"

"Well I don't think there was any doubt about that - aside from the dark times and You-Know-Who of course. You and Lavendar have been almost inseparable ever since you sat in on McGongall's refresher lectures."

"Tell you the truth Ron, she was the only reason I came in the first place. Science was never one of my favorite subjects but I'm sure without McGonagall I couldn't have made it today."

"Yea, Seamus and I are both fond of her. We drove over to see her last vacation. It's a shame her new job took her away from Hogwarts."

Squeals of delight interrupted the two men talking as Lavendar threw the bouquet. Seamus caught the bundle of flowers and cried with delight, causing Ron to blush. The crowd of invites clapped and cheered in response to this tradition, and more then a few mutterings could be heard about crazy muggles.

"Hey fella, it looks like it could be your turn next."

"Who knows, Neville...ha ha."

Neville patted Ron on the arm and winked at him as he walked off towards his wife. Ron waved as the two piled into the limousine and drove slowly out of the churchyard. Guests chased after the car, waving and hollering madly, and Ron couldn't help but hold back a tear, the scene reminding him so much of Hogwarts, Quidditch matches, House cups, and other activities from his past. Ron found Seamus in the crowd and put his arm around him, watching the car drive away into the distance. The guests began to leave, and soon all that was left was Seamus, Ron, and a strange family dressed like the painting 'American Gothic.' The father was holding a pitchfork, and all were dressed in old fashioned clothes.

The mother of the family, Severus Snape, and the father, Hermione Granger, stood outside the church doors, keenly watching Ron and Seamus. The daughter, Ginny Weasley, headed through the doors into the church.

Seamus, still holding the bouquet, turned to Ron.

"Oh Ron, wasn't it wonderful. Didn't Lavendar look radiantly beautiful. Just an hour ago she was plain old Lavendar Brown. Now she's Mrs. Neville Longbottom." Ron was still watching the place where the car had disappeared too, and replied distractedly. 

"Er...yes, Seamus....Neville's a lucky guy." He tore his eyes away from the road and the two started to move back towards the church.

"Yes."

"Everyone knows Lavendar's a wonderful little cook."

"Yes."

"And Neville himself will be in line for promotion in a year or so."

"Yes."

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Music starts up in the background, and Ron hesitantly turns towards Seamus.

"Hey Seamus."

"Yes Ron?"

"I've got something to say."

"Uh huh."

"I really loved the skilful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet."

"Oh Ron."

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The next words are sung in tune with the music.

"I always knew you'd be famous,"

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The odd family watching the couple speaks in unison, in a monotonous voice.

"Seamus."

"The feel of this place is contagious!"

"Seamus"

"So don't think I'm being heinous!"

"Seamus."

"I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet. I love you."

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The music stops momentarily as Seamus cuts in.  
"Uh, Ron? My name's not Janet."  
"Oh...terribly sorry Seamus; got caught up in the moment."

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Music cues back in. 

"Running this road took me ages." Ron began to run backwards towards the church doors.

"Seamus."

Ron ran from the church doors to a picket fence, where he climbed on top of it. "There's a fire in my heart from our gayness!" Ron leapt off the fence, landing gracefully on the hard packed earth. 

"Seamus."

"My love for you derives 'round your anus!" 

"Seamus."

Ron removed a piece of chalk from his pocket. "I've one thing to say and that's, Jesus, Seamus." 

He chalked a heart and arrow on the church door, which Hermione proceeded to wipe off. 

"I love you."

Seamus ran to him, and Ron knelt and produced a ring. 

"Here's a ring to prove that I'm not a joker." 

Church bells began to peal out again over the town. Hermione & Snape opened the doors of the church and solemnly entered, closing the door behind them with a small 'thud'.

"There's three ways that love can grow. That's good bad or mediocre." 

Seamus grabbed the ring as Ron rose off his knee. Seamus threw down the bouquet and would have fallen into Ron's arms, but Ron had gone to the door to chalk on it again. 

"Oh - S - E - A - M - U- S I love you so." 

Seamus, transfixed, burst into the church, hypnotized by the ring. Ron followed him in.

"Oh!......It's nicer than what Betty Munroe won!" 

Snape peered up from behind a pew, and muttered in the same monotonous voice. "Oh Ron."

"Now we're engaged and It's so fun!"

Snape was joined by Ginny, and they both muttered "Oh Ron." before they disappeared. 

"That you met Mum And you know Jon." 

The whole family, Ginny, Snape, and Hermione, peered up from the pews. "Oh Ron."

Seamus took Ron's arm in his own as he continued to sing. "I've one thing to say And that's, Ron I'm mad, For you too." 

Seamus and Ron walked arm in arm around the room.

The strange family marched slowly across them, leaving through a set of side doors. 

Seamus laid his head on Ron's shoulder. "Oh, Ron." 

"Oh Jesus."

Seamus caressed Ron's cheek lovingly. "I'm torn." 

"Oh Seamus."

"For you."

Ron briefly kissed Seamus, before murmuring. "I love you too-oo-oo."

Ron took Seamus' hands in his own and turned towards him. The family walked in through the vestry door, a coffin carried between them. 

Ron and Seamus began to sing in harmony. "There's one thing left to do-ah-ooh." Before breaking off once more. 

"And that's go see the man Who'll proclaim us!"

"Seamus." The family had taken up their monotonous replies once again.

"When we met in her science exam-ous-"

The family moved behind Seamus and Ron now.

"Seamus."

" It made me give you the eye And then start us," 

"Seamus." The family lowered the coffin onto the floor of the church slowly.

"I've got one thing to say, and that's Jesus, Seamus. I love you." 

Seamus couldn't hold it in any longer and he ran into Ron's waiting arms. Ron released him and began to slowly circle his lover.

"Jesus, Seamus."

Seamus began to copy Ron by circling him as well, admiring his new ring on the way. 

"Oh Ron, so fun."

"Jesus, Seamus."

Ron and Seamus began to kneel down together on the floor, each following word for word until they were completely on their knees. 

The family, Ron and Seamus all spoke at once. "I love you."

In the moment of love and declaration, Ron and Seamus kissed, ending the song. 

***

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A room with mahogany bookcases and a large desk with a prominent globe of the world comes into view. The back of an over stuffed leather armchair can be seen in front of a flickering fire. The chair swings around, and the narrator of this tale is sitting in the seat. The narrator is none other then Lucius Malfoy, wearing a smoking jacket, pipe evident in hand. The smoke curls its way through the air, and Lucius begins to speak.

"I would like if I may to take you on a strange journey." Lucius rises from the chair and heads over to one of the bookcases, taking a heavy tome off the middle shelf. The cover has the words "The Denton Affair" emblazoned across the front in gold writing. He puts the book down on a stand near his desk and puts on a pair of reading spectacles. 

"It seemed a fairly ordinary night when Ron Weasley and his fiancée Seamus Finnigan (two young, ordinary, healthy kids) left Denton that late November evening to visit Dr Minerva McGonagall, ex. tutor and now friend of both of them. It's true there were dark storm clouds, heavy, black and pendulous, toward which they were driving. It's true also that the spare tire they were carrying was badly in need of some air. But they being normal kids and on a night out, well they were not going to let a storm spoil the events of their evening. 

'On a night out." 

Lucius marks the page with a red piece of rope and snaps the book shut. Thunder booms through the air as the sky lights up with a streak of lightning outside the window. 

"It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time." More thunder and lightning ensue.

***

Ron and Seamus were driving down what seemed to be a deserted highway. The windshield wipers were on the fastest setting, yet the rain was coming down too hard and too fast for the wipers to wipe the water away in time. Ron was trying to concentrate on the road through the poor visibility, all the while complaining about the useless muggle contraptions and why they couldn't have apparated to McGonagall's place instead. Seamus was eating chocolates and listening to the car radio playing an Orson Welles serial- The Shadow- when he answered.

"Honestly Ron, you'd think you'd want an adventure every now and then. Besides, there might be muggles at McG's, and we wouldn't want to upset them." Ron brushed this logic aside as a motorcycle roared past the car. Seamus watched the taillights of the bike whiz past them, commenting on the situation.

"Gosh. That's the third motorcyclist that's passed us. They certainly take their lives in their hands. What with the weather and all." 

"Yes, Seamus. Life's pretty cheap to that type."   
Seamus popped a piece of gum into his mouth, offering some to Ron rather suggestively. Ron, unawares due to his total concentration on the road, politely refused, causing Seamus' face to fall. The car began to slow down until it stopped completely. 

"What's the matter Ron, darling?" Seamus stroked Ron's cheek with his fingers, concern etched on his face. The headlights of the car lit up a wooden signed driven into the ground; the words 'Dead End' printed out clearly.

"I think we took the wrong fork a few miles back." 

"Oh dear!" Seamus paused for a moment in contemplation. "But then, where did the motorcyclists come from?"

"Hmmm ... Well, I guess we will have to turn back." 

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footnotes: Muaha, I think I'll end it here for now. I kept the dialogue as close to the script as possible, along with the scenes. Of course I had to end in a few comments of my own, but it's mostly intact. I realize that Seamus doesn't rhyme with Jesus, nor does Ron rhyme with fun, but you try to re-write that song and see how well it comes out for you =P. Please, Review.

List of characters: Ron-Brad, Seamus-Janet, Neville-Ralph, Lavendar-Betty, Snape-Magenta, Hermione-Riff Raff, Ginny-Columbia, McG-Dr. Scott, Harry-Minister(Also Dr. Frank N. Furter), Draco-Rocky, Lord Voldemort-Meatloaf. When I remember the names of the rest, I'll put them in the separate chapters.


End file.
